Please know, before you read this post: I am not suicidal. There is one constant in my life, and that is Jen, her love for me, and my love for her. I will never leave her side, no matter what.
I am miserable. I normally ride a roller coaster, high high high, low low low, and somewhere in between; sometimes I'll have a week of one, followed by a week of the other, and most of the time I'll be high, in between, and low (and sometimes high again) all in one day.
However, since September, this misery has been constant. I have good moments, for instance drinking a delicious cup of my favorite coffee, giving Jen a huuuuge hug, role-playing with my guild, etc., however I am still miserable underneath. It's a feeling that's stuck between my heart, and my stomach. Heaviness. I also feel sluggish.
Since October 31st, I have been exhausted. I've been getting proper sleep, and when I do sleep, I sleep well. I don't think I've even had any nightmares, in a long time. However, from the moment I wake up, I am already exhausted. For instance, I had been up for a few hours when, a few hours ago, I needed a nap.
I laid down. I woke up, and struggled. I could barely open my eyes, and I could feel them heavy and burning. I stood up, and stumbled. I made some coffee (and yes, for the record, I have tried no caffeine - same thing), and grabbed my mobile. I use Evernote as a way of keeping records of my psychical and mental health (which I have been doing none of, another sign that I am not in a good place mentally) and I fell asleep over, and over again, typing.
I was falling asleep, in my chair, with my fingers typing on my mobile keyboard. I opened my eyes and saw gibberish words.
Feeling miserable is the least of my worries, however. This exhaustion is worse, in my opinion, because there is so much I am missing. When I am awake, I have no energy, and no will power. I want to write, and to create. I want to clean, and to organize. I want to eat well, and to practice yoga. I want to take care of myself, and others and I can't. I feel like standing up, or even sitting still, and doing is one of the hardest feats possible. I don't even know how I am managing this post write now, as I've been trying to write a Winter themed one all weekend, and cannot even get past the first sentence. I also cannot handle any responsibility right now, and even asking "can you do this?" can send me into a panic.
The worst thing, however, isn't my exhaustion. It's how I am treating others.
There are some people in my life who bring me down, and so I am moving on, which is healthy. However, there are other people in my life - family, friends, strangers - who I can't talk to, and it's not because of them. It's because I literally do not have the energy to deal with people, even amazing people.
The ONE person in my life who has never hurt me, and has been there for me, and who has loved me unconditionally is Jen... and I've been treating her badly. She's been treating me so well, and luckily even when I am like this, we aren't less of anything. We're still best friends, wife and wife, and she is my soul mate and I am hers.
Every so often, I've been treating her badly and I cannot tell you how much I hate that I've been doing that. She does understand, we're both bipolar. I am glad that this isn't constant, because she is my everything. We don't fight, so treating her like I have been, is horrible. I think, when we love someone so much - someone who understands us, and who we are 100% ourselves around, those are the people who get the worst of our treatment, because we don't have to hide from them, or to pretend to be anything less or more than who we are.
I love Jen so much, and I am so thankful for her, and all she does - for herself, for others, and for me. She's perfect, and her love is what supports me and holds me up even when I am falling down. So, thank you, my baby. ♥
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. She hasn't done much for me, whereas my old psychiatrist (who moved) did... so much. She listened, and cared. This lady doesn't, and I am hoping that tomorrow she will listen, and do... something, if she even can. I don't know if my medication has stopped working, which does happen a lot to people with bipolar disorder; or something else entirely.
To be honest, I don't know why I wrote this post. However, I do know I'll hit Publish, because I am never not honest on LnL, and the whole reason I started blogging was for sharing, and friendship.